The Talking Trellis

I am on the precipice of change. I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones and it rattles my thoughts. Thoughts that, when given light and examination, reshape everything.

Is it the state of the world, or merely the inner workings of my inner minions. The minions that keep me churning and often cause my life long battle with insomnia to grab hold and squeeze me awake. Tick. Tock. The hours of the night face me, while I redo, rewrite, relive, revive aspects of my past- but mainly illusions of my future. Illusions I wish to be tangible, so I race to sleep to stock the energy to make them real. Though through uncertainty, sleep is elusive, and therefore restless and spinning I face the day. The days, the week. A week from now. If I can make it to just a week from now- I will have more answers. I am certain of this. Or is that certainty a mirage?

What I know is that attitude is at the helm. Attitude to be followed by tedious, monotonous, overwhelming, rewarding (at an undetermined time in the future) work. Work I can face, and do not ever regret, if I can focus on one aspect, one step, one inch at a time. For it is the tangents that impede my progress, all the arms and tentacles of everything that is linked to every thing that is linked to everything, everywhere.

I call upon the ripples to gently guide me to stay upon the true course. I call upon the winds of change to be kind. To me, to all of us.

I have been having the sense of drowning lately, yet there is nary adrop of water anywhere near. Life is all encompassing and though I know I have so very much to be grateful for- I still feel that the nuances and stresses are getting the better of me.

How do we rise above the mundacity, how do we get ahead? When is the time in life when all these concerns are behind us and we move forward safe, happy and secure? Or are these dreams, delusions?

Normally, I am an optimist. I am a cheerleader. I am the one to look at the bright side, to walk on the sunny side, to let someone in the lane in front of me because I still know I will get there even if it is 30 seconds later. I am the one who holds it all together. So why am I drowning? Has the time come at last for someone else to throw the life boat? If so- I welcome it whole heartedly.

Organizing never ends. I have made or taken tiny baby steps- yet it seems with every step I think of 300 more that need to be taken. I am working toward better time management to accomplish all these steps. Wish me luck.

My thyroid keeps on. I have been trying to improve my sleep patterns in the hopes that this, along with the medication, will help. Also- now that I am taking the medication properly- I am hoping to see improvement. My face is slimmer, that is about all I can report on that topic.

Does anyone know of an inexpensive place to live in California where A and I could both get jobs? A originally said no to CA, but we would be legal there and we are both so tired of fighting so hard. Another criteria is that we do not want to deal with winter so much so this is why CA is coming back into my brain as the only other state we would be recognized fully is MA and I’d rather stick with this winter in CO than trade for harsher winters in MA. Portland was number one on our list for quite some time, yet this morning it is bothering me that we would have the same rights but still not be able to call it what it is- MARRIAGE. Also, it is expensive and hard to find jobs. Any suggestions? Anyone?

On Sundays nothing gets done. This isn’t to say that we don’t have grand plans- we do, lots of them. Usually in the form of cleaning and organizing and going to the movies and going for a bike ride and talking Murphy for a walk. Lots of lovely plans, zero activity.

Sundays are the only day we have together and I think we save up all of our exhaustion for Sundays. Sleeping in, snuggling, not getting dressed, watching silly TV, playing on-line, going out only to satisfy cravings- even then it is rare. Still, Sundays are swell. We talk, we make plans that will eventually get done later in the week, we dream out loud, we reaffirm our bond and thereby making it stronger.

I love Sundays. My go get ‘em guilt sometimes clouds my love, yet it is momentary and passes little by little with each hug from my love.

How do you all spend Sundays?

I once wrote in a story, though I cannot remember which one at this exact moment (is it possible I am that prolific?!), that you can take the girl out of Austen but never Austen out of the girl. I belive this to be true. If one devours and falls in love with Austen, even if it is only one or two of her novels, this love stays with you and empowers many aspects of your life.

Hence, my being slightly lured into obtaining a Betta by one very loving spouse.

“Hey we could get a Betta and name it Mr. Darcy?”

Now I ask you, what Austen Fan- no matter how slight- could resist that?

I couldn’t. I am weak and proud. When we got to the store, I was entranced by a female Betta and suddenly we had two fish!

Mr. Darcy and My Pearl are a delight to have as part of our family. Swimming happily and somewhat camouflaged in our ‘Fish in Space’ aquariums as the space background is comprised of various shades of blue and our Bettas are the radiant blue ones. I am all for giving everyone privacy, so this works out fine. We have decided that these tanks are great for their infancy but we may need to upgrade to something more elegant as they mature. The minuscule price and the cuteness of the aquarium may have clouded our judgement as to their practicality. The opening is tiny- the fish net doesn’t even fit! A was great in getting Mr. Darcy and My Pearl into their new homes but I worry about getting them out during cleanings. I am such an over protective mother!

A Happy Home is a Fish Home- that doesn’t sound right, yet the sentiment is true.

…why we live here?

A and I are currently living in the town of my birth. When we arrived a year ago, almost exactly save a few weeks, it was the best option. I know this, yet it is still hard for me sometimes. We came here to get married and consequently help my dad and because our fantastic friends J & J had a place for us to habitate. I am grateful for having the fortunate things align but am shocked back into reasons why I left in the first, and second, and third, and fourth, and fifth- well you get the idea-  place. I am not fond of driving in the snow, and even though winter and snow are months away, I dread it. The mile high city is too close to the sun and simply driving to work scorches my skin.

And then today happened: We have been saving and looking forward to today for quite some time. A is on my optical insurance. A week or so ago we went to get her eye exam for a pair of safety glasses for her job- which they paid for as a benefit and safety concern. This was successful. Since we had her new prescription and it was a tad different from her old one- she was getting headaches from wearing her old glasses at night and her new safety ones at work- we set a plan to get her new everyday glasses. The paychecks aligned for today and we have been preparing happily and excitedly. We go to her eye doctor’s office because we love her eye doctor and pick out frames. The optician calls my insurance. Now the insurance card says “Employee & Spouse” and I have been paying for both of us for over 7 months now, out of every check. They can’t find her in the computer. They see that it says me plus one but will not accept the insurance for her because I could just change spouses at any time! So my employer has to notify them through uploading an electronic file through an ftp server in order to verify that she is my spouse. Yes, this is a summary- I do not have the energy to write out the whole saga. Needless to say I was peeved.

We left, got some lunch and headed into my employer’s benefit coordinators office. We explain what happened. BC calls insurance company and by the reaction and words we hear- they had A’s info in the system!!! Apparently the folks at the call center, the original person and the supervisor I demanded to speak with, simply couldn’t (or didn’t even try) to find it. I hate to bring it up but I really do think they heard Domestic Partner and shut down, did not even try to figure out what might be happening or where the information may be located. Now, maybe they do not encounter this very often but if they offer it they should be schooled in the who what where and when of it all- they certainly had no problem taking my money. Which the call center people tried to tell me that my employer pays them- not me! Aggravating.

I want to live somewhere where we have the same rights as all married people. Not better, not different, not less than- the same. I want a few hetero couples who vehemently oppose same sex marriage to have to go through this to see what it feels like to simply not be treated as equals. I will never understand why there are people who believe the sanctity of marriage is ruined by same sex marriage. I have been fighting my whole life, and I will continue as I am personally bound to make it better for those who follow, but I want some things to be easier. Not better, except it would be for us, simply the same- equal.

After it was figured out A got a pair of the sexiest swankest glasses that were ever invented! She is hot to trot and ready to view the world through her new hep cat opticals! Which, by the way, are perfect for swing dancing- I am just saying! And they will be perfect for viewing our new home wherever and whenever we find it.

I am guessing there is a strange wind blowing for today has been quite a day. At first I thought our good friend Mercury had gone into Retrograde, but that isn’t due to happen until September 24th (H’s birthday- oh no!). If someone can explain any planetary ill will for today I would appreciate it.

Here’s the down trodden list:

A and I got into an argument.
Two good friends ended a relationship.
Two other friends are very sad.
Money, there is never enough.
Murphy did not actually order a pizza.

My heart goes out for our friends. I wish I could embrace them and squeeze happy and calm into their veins to help them get through. It is hard not being able to do anything.

A and I talked our way through the argument while sitting at a park table with that ole’ wind swishing around us and rain drops lightly falling. It was actually beautiful and cool which was a welcome temperature. We do not argue often and this one was from an issue that had not been resolved from the past, we simply kept moving on from it and therefore it was continually building up without our conscious selves being all that aware. It was a good argument because we saw it through and now have a place to build on positively. It takes time and work but it is so very worth it. I love A and our life and our life down the road together. Confrontation isn’t always a bad thing and I have found lately that it gets a bad rap. It can help us grow and evolve.

Money- we need more of it. We are working on this, this is something we are aware of and we have good heads about us, but sometimes we slip and have to be reminded that there is still much work to be done in this arena.

Murphy is our adorable Corgi- tall for his breed, yet a Corgi pure breed through and through. We decided to celebrate a tough week with a pizza, a rare occurrence with us (please see money comment and it is made of things we do not usually eat as we are being healthy. Yet a spontaneous craving on both our parts happening at once needs to be remedied.) We like New York Pizza, so we ordered from Anthony’s and drove over to pick it up. When we got to the counter the polite and attentive counter worker asked if he could guess who we were by the pick up orders. He said we were picking up for either sm or Murphy! We answered positively to the first guess and inquired what Murphy ordered as that is our dog. Sausage, pepperoni, green peppers and olives was Murphy’s order and indeed that sounds like our boy! However, when we got home he was tucked obediently in his den with no phone in sight. Of course we gave him a taste of the simple cheese pie we brought home for the family.

The cat, Ernie, could care less about any and all of this nonsense. We could learn a lot from Ernie.